I am just wondering :)How do you know if you have low/ high sex drive? 10 points for the best advice. Thank you?
Get real
Okay, I have to start with some very tough love, and you're not going to like it. Your relationship will have the best chance of survival if you let go of your romantic illusions.
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I found his ex in his drawers! He says my ex had the best of me Coping with Valentine's Day when your relationship is far from rosy The boy's too big Relationships HomeI'm not saying relationships can't be romantic long-term, but, brace yourself, most of the time they're not. What confuses us is that the same partner that excited us in the beginning can now leave us bored stupid! It's this longing for the past that causes problems in the present.
Most relationships start with a heady infusion of intoxicating hormones. You're in a bubble built for two, and there's a feeling of togetherness. Over time, this extreme closeness would be suffocating, but at the start it feels marvelous!
We want that feeling to continue forever, and when it (inevitably) doesn't, we jump to the conclusion that we've picked the wrong person. But that isn't necessarily true. This happens to every relationship eventually.
Real love is about leaving this fantasy behind. It might have felt like you were much more in love at the start than you are three, four or more years on, but it's actually a figment of your imagination.
Real, long-term intimacy happens when the initial flush of hormones subsides. Only then are you able to see each other as you really are, and a deeper, more satisfying, realistic love replaces the romantic one.
Talk about this together, then make a pact to not expect the impossible from each other. Once you agree to be realistic about your expectations of each other, the relief is enormous! You'll feel like a weight has been lifted, I promise.
Find out who you're in love with
Lots of couples talk to each other. Few listen properly and without judgment. This exercise teaches you good principles for both. It's also designed for you to get to know your partner as he is now, as opposed to how he was when you first met. That was probably the last time you allowed each other to talk uninterrupted, without making a comment or silent judgment about what the other was saying!
I've written the instructions of how it works from the perspective of the person doing the listening. And yes, this will have to be you at some point, so grit your teeth and volunteer to go first! Now, I'm going to be Ms. Bossy Boots for this one and insist you follow the rules, or it simply won't work.
You each get a turn to talk to the other for half an hour, no more, no less.
When you're talking, you can only talk about yourself, not about your partner or the relationship. Focus generally on your emotions, your needs, what you've learned from books or films, your friends, your job, what you like about yourself, what you don't, how you're enjoying life and how you're coping with life's struggles.
You're not allowed to interrupt or even comment on what's been said. Your job is simply to listen and try to understand the person talking.
Watch your facial expressions and body language. Nod supportively. Smile encouragingly. Sitting there sulking or with a thunderous expression is going to thwart the whole exercise.
If you really, really must comment on something your partner has said, wait a full 24 hours. Then, if you still can't help yourself, you are allowed ten minutes maximum. The comments can only be positive. If you think there's a problem, outline it quickly, then spend the rest of the time talking about possible solutions.
After doing this exercise, don't be surprised if you both feel a little unnerved. You've probably just discovered things about your partner you didn't know, and that's why you feel slightly nervous. Who is this person? You thought you knew him inside out! What a shock, eh? But you don't own each other and can't control how you both feel. Relax and go with the uncertainty. Taking your partner completely for granted is what kills most relationships. It does both of you good to not feel 100 per cent sure of each other.
Repeat this session once a week for a month, and you'll find you start to listen properly without it having to be a structured exercise.
Get exactly what you want
Another classic relationship mistake is assuming that because your partner loves you, he knows what you need to be happy. Sadly, love doesn't magically transform us into mind readers, so we rely on the next best thing. We assume that what makes us happy will make our partner happy.
That, as you might imagine, leads to unmitigated disasters. He gives you tickets to the football for your birthday along with the latest Nintendo game. You give him an inspirational self-help book and dinner in a romantic restaurant. To completely guarantee a life of misery, we take this warped thinking even further. We assume that if our partner doesn't behave the way we would in a particular situation, he doesn't care about us.
Cue typical arguments about things like anniversaries (some people place importance on them, others don't) and chatting up your best friend (seen as charming her by one, flirting by another). But happily, there is a way to fix this sorry situation. It's called being clear about what you both want. Sounds easy enough, right? Here's how it works:
For the next month, you take turns having 'me' days until the month is up.
On each of your 'me' days, you get to ask for something you'd like from your partner that makes you happy. It might be something as simple as asking him to pick you up on time, massage your shoulders while you're watching TV or hold your hand while taking a walk.
Clearly state what you'd like your partner to do, giving as much detail as possible. The idea is to get into the habit of asking for what you need and want in order to be happy, instead of expecting your partner to second-guess.
Pay attention to what your partner asks for. Write down what he's requested, and you'll have a list of his real needs and wants, rather than what you think he wants or doesn't want.
Sunday: Your sex life
Don't just maintain, nurture
When you start a new relationship, your focus is on nurturing your sex life. You're learning about your partner's body, what he likes and doesn't like, with beginner's lust fueling your curiosity. If you're like most couples, once you think you've got each other figured out, you move from nurturing your sex life into maintaining it. Six weeks into your relationship, the proportion is around 80 per cent nurturing to 20 per cent maintenance.
Six years on, it's more like 0 percent nurturing to 100 percent maintenance. To keep sex good long-term, you have to continue to nurture. This means putting thought and energy into sex, like you did in the beginning!
Take turns with 'sex spoil sessions'. Every fifth time you have sex, one of you spoils the other with things you know your partner will enjoy. Note the emphasis on what your partner enjoys, not what you enjoy. This might be as simple as giving him a gloriously thorough working over with your tongue, or involve you packing a picnic to head off for alfresco sex.
Take a sexual inventory. Write suggested sexual activities on two sheets of paper, then each of you rates them from hot (would love to try) to warm, lukewarm and cold. Add your own, but choose from things like spanking, role-playing, semi-public sex, tie-up games, blindfolding, talking dirty, anal sex and watching or making erotic films. When you're done, make note of the activities that scored high for both of you. Try one every two weeks or once a month.
Turn your bedroom into a sex den
Sex in your average bedroom is a yawn. Sex in an erotic, exotic playroom is sexier than that recurring fantasy of your favourite celebrity walking into your bedroom just as you're reaching in that bedside drawer, you get the picture. Some essentials:
Soundproof it for kids/flat mates/your mother when she comes to stay. Heavy curtains and carpets soak up sound. If you're deadly serious, install sound-insulating board on any adjoining walls. A lazy but still effective option is to put in a sound system or radio. Music masks all sorts of happy noises.
For the most flattering lighting, light from below or at eye level. Dimmers are the next best thing and can match whatever mood you're in. A simple, quick fix in the meantime: Put tea lights on saucers on the floor (keep them a safe distance from bedcovers or enthusiastically thrown bras, knickers or boxers).
The simplest thing is to add mirrors to wardrobe doors so they can be angled to provide good views of the bed. Even sneakier is a full-length portable mirror, which you can move into whatever position grabs your fancy at the time.
Everyone needs a special drawer within reaching distance from the bed. Fill it with massage oil, stockings and scarves for tying-up, sleep masks from your last plane flight to act as a blindfold, lubricant, condoms, erotic books or films, sexy clothes, vibrators and other sex toys.
A firm mattress makes for better sex. Clean, fresh, good-quality sheets lure you to lie naked on them. Cushions are a must for putting under hips, supporting limbs or making other places around the house sex-friendly.How do you know if you have low/ high sex drive? 10 points for the best advice. Thank you?
Normally there is nothing like low sex drive or high sex drive; The only thing is whether the sex drive is satisfactory on either side simultaneously or not!
I know my wife has a very low sex drive. She says that she just doesn't ever think about sex and has no urge to do it. She has even said that she could do without it for the rest of her life.
Well, depends on how often you think about sex, how often you are aroused, and how often you want to have sex. My wife and I have very high sex drives. If we had enough time in the day, and didn't have to work, we would have sex all day long, everyday. Just gotta ask yourself how often you want to have sex. If your answer is ';A lot'; then you have a high sex drive. If your answer is ';I can go without it for awhile'; or ';It's ok, I like it'; then you probably have a moderate to low sex drive.
Until I had my hysterectomy, I had a very high sex drive. I was ready all the time. Much to my husband's chagrin, after the surgery I could take it or leave it. Plus I had other physical things going on like lack of lubrication...etc. I talked to my MD about hormone replacement therapy (HRT) and things are almost back to normal. I know my husband is VERY HAPPY.
Make an appointment with your MD if you feel your sex driver is low. You may have a hormonal imbalance.
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